


The Same Deep Water As You

by donniedont



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Coming Out, Complicated Relationships, Growing Up Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-01
Updated: 2019-11-01
Packaged: 2021-01-16 05:57:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21266177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donniedont/pseuds/donniedont
Summary: Felix is able to recognize his transness with relative ease.  But when Dimitri has a similar revelation, a strain on their relationship develops.  Featuring trans man interpretations of Felix and Dimitri.





	The Same Deep Water As You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ethereally](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethereally/gifts).

> I've been sitting on this fic for a long while... in all honesty, I was barely in my Blue Lions play through when I wrote it! But I have been so fascinated by Felix and Dimitri's relationship, I couldn't help but try to write about it.
> 
> For ambiance, I would recommend checking out the song this is named after ("The Same Deep Water As You" by The Cure) and "Call Off Your Ghost" by Dessa.
> 
> This fic is dedicated to my friend Eth/ethereally! Eth, thank you so much for dragging me into Fire Emblem hell. I just hope I was able to give you content you wanted. Thank you so much for your friendship. It has legitimately saved me the past few months.
> 
> Also, thank you so much to Joey/indevan for taking the time to edit this! It means the world to me. I know I'm a writer who really needs to draft things before they make any dang sense sometimes.
> 
> **Content Warnings** Discussions of gender dysphoria, menstruation, canon-typical ableism, unsafe binding, hallucinations/unreality

It was the naming day for Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd, prince of the Holy Kingdom of Faerghus. A feast was called upon, complete with nobles making their appearances. They greeted themselves to the prince, who was standing close to his father as they tested out his new name. Felix listened in when he could, noticing that they appeared apprehensive when using his pronouns, avoiding them entirely when they spoke to him directly and speaking to the king with a stuttered _ s-he. _The king would eye them carefully, but never attempt to correct them. Felix rolled his eyes, wondering if Dimitri was going to make any moves about it, either.

Felix felt someone slap their hands on his shoulders and he jumped, looking up to see Glenn snickering at him. Felix raised his fist, only to have Glenn grab it, twisting it aside. “Figured I would check in on you,” he said, sitting down next to him. “Where’s Ingrid and Sylvain?”

Felix shrugged. Ingrid and Sylvain were tired of sitting around picking at food, so they opted to do a circuit around the room. Felix was invited to join them, but he didn’t. He gave a lie about being tired and while it felt flimsy as it left his mouth, they didn’t question it. 

Glenn propped his arm on the table, resting his chin in the palm of his hand. “How does it feel to not be the only boy like you in the Kingdom?” he asked. “It must be nice that he’s your best friend, too.”

Felix focused on Dimitri again. He was still standing properly, smiling and shaking hands with someone passing by. He kept his hair long, most of it pulled back into a braid, except for a short strand that seemed to have slipped out. He played with it whenever a noble walked away from him, trying to tuck it behind his ear only to have it slide back into his face again. As much as he seemed to be against the grand gesture of a feast, he appeared content, his eyes bright and the smile staying on his face even after people walked away.

“It’s nice, I suppose,” Felix finally replied.

“Did you want to have a naming day like this?” Glenn asked. It made Felix realize that he hadn’t seen their father in a while and he began to scan the room. He finally spotted him behind the king, facing the king to politely bow before they began to talk to each other. Their father placed a hand on Dimitri’s shoulder and Felix felt his stomach clench.

“It just seems like a waste of time. I was fine with the announcement,” Felix replied.

He also knew that he would not have been able to handle the attention the way Dimitri appeared to be able to. He would not be so kind to someone fumbling through pronouns or explaining that it was just so hard to stop calling someone a new name after they used the other for so long. Dimitri just nodded his head and occasionally told them that these things took time. 

“You should get up and chat with him,” Glenn suggested, “He’s probably bored as all hell.”

As if Dimitri could hear them, Dimitri turned his head toward them. Glenn waved and Felix quickly turned away. “I think I’m good,” Felix replied flatly. He didn’t want to say it to Glenn, but he was afraid that if he stood next to Dimitri, people would start referring to him by the wrong name, too.

  


*

There was an ugly thought that crossed Felix’s mind occasionally that wondered if Dimitri was copying him. 

It was the thought that spilled over his mind when Dimitri first approached him about his identity. He spoke in his usual, looping style that Felix had to translate into simpler sentences in his head before he realized that Dimitri was pretty sure he was a boy like Felix. 

When Glenn found out he saw it as a weird blessing. "It’s kinda funny how best friends come to the same conclusion like that," he noted as he adjusted Felix's stance. The best way to get ahold of his brother was to ask him to help with training these days. "I guess it's some kind of fate bullshit. At least you'll have someone to talk about this stuff, right?"

What Glenn didn’t understand was that Felix didn’t want to talk to anybody about this. It wasn’t their business and if he thought too much about what he had and what he lacked physically, he would never be able to outrun his old name, his former station, and all the burdens that came with them.

Dimitri was a reminder that he could not outrun everything, as much as he wished he could.

“Have you bled yet?” Dimitri asked after they sparred together. Felix was visiting the castle, because his father wanted to? He had business with the king? He wasn’t sure. His father just told him to pack a bag and go. 

Dimitri pushed his hair back, even though it always fell back in front of his face. Felix couldn’t understand why he always went back to his hair being chin length. It would have been easier to pull it back like Felix did.

“That’s none of your business,” Felix snapped. 

Dimitri shifted back, his eyes wide. “Oh. I suppose it’s not. My apologies.”

Felix promptly turned away from him, taking a towel and rubbing it on the back of his neck. He could feel that Dimitri wanted to say more, but he hoped that if he didn’t make eye contact, he would keep quiet. He could dry down, they could find Glenn and bother him about the difference between minutely different fighting techniques, and Dimitri would stop feeling so emboldened to ask Felix these questions.

“I just…” Dimitri started and Felix could feel his own shoulders raise, “...was hoping you could answer something. I’m sorry again for bothering you. I would ask Ingrid, but it’s a bit… specific.”

Felix brought his towel to his face and groaned into it before dramatically dropping it to his lap. “What do you need to know?”

“I just want to know if you ever stop being so scared of your body for doing it,” Dimitri whispered.

Felix sighed. He leaned back, looking up at the sky above them.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

Dimitri covered his face and let out a shuddering sigh. Felix took it as his cue to leave.

*

Felix found out Glenn died and he could feel a part of him collapse. He wandered around wishing someone would notice the hole that was left, but the only thing that was on anybody’s mind was Dimitri. 

He tried to have his own vigil for his brother by carefully labeling each memory to remember Glenn’s laugh, the different ways he rolled his eyes, all the broken promises he made because of the Tragedy. His father reassured him that Glenn died a noble death, but Felix would have settled for him being ashamed and alive.

When he finally saw Dimitri after the Tragedy, he still smelled like smoke. He was unable to leave his bed and a dark skinned boy was sitting nearby. His green eyes watched Felix carefully as he entered, his lips pressed into a straight line. His hand was clasped over Dimitri’s.

Felix felt like his skin went tight around him. This was a person from Duscur. He would have thought the kid was a prisoner, but there was something about their bold hand holding that said that wasn’t the case.

“Felix, this is Dedue. He survived the Tragedy with me. Dedue, this is Felix. He is one of my best friends.”

Felix glared at Dedue. There were many thoughts churning through his head, but the one that always seemed to rise to the surface was the shock that his ranking as Dimitri’s best friend dropped without him knowing.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Dedue replied. His cadence was stilted, as if the language was still new on his tongue. 

Felix refused to even nod his head at him. He understood that Glenn was not immortal. Even with all his experience, he was just as likely to die as anyone else that day. That said, he couldn’t help but look at Dedue and Dimitri with absolute disdain. Why did the Goddess decide that they were the two who deserved to live and his brother had to die?

*

It was one thing for Felix to pull away, but it was an entirely different sensation to watch himself being replaced. At least, that’s what it felt like with Dedue arrived. Dedue’s official title was Dimitri’s vassal, but Felix knew Dimitri too well to buy that. He just couldn’t figure out exactly how deep Dimitri’s feelings were toward him.

Even if he knew Dimitri, he couldn’t understand what it was about Dedue that made Dimitri want to spend so much time with him. When either of them visited each other, Dedue was closely behind Dimitri. Dedue and Dimitri would even disappear for an hour or so at a time, Dimitri citing that he was teaching Dedue how to read. Felix caught them studying in the royal gardens one afternoon during a visit. Dedue had a book open and Dimitri was smiling, talking about something in a voice too low for Felix to hear.

Felix realized that he couldn’t remember the last time he made Dimitri smile. Every recent memory featured Dimitri asked Felix a question that threw him off his delicate axis or he stormed off before he could even hear such a thing. Even so, he decided that he hated Dedue. At least before him, Felix could believe that he was the one dividing the relationship, as opposed to Dimitri moving on.

*

Felix found an empty spot in the river and jumped in, frantically scrubbing blood off his arms. He tried to block out the images from earlier from his mind. He could understand the logistics of suppressing a rebellion. But watching Dimitri reveal the beast that lurked inside of him was haunting. When he closed his eyes all he could see was Dimitri’s eyes locked with his, blood sprayed across his pale face. He gasped and quickly covered his mouth. He curled in on himself and felt a burn in his stomach from his body tightening so much. 

He heard bushes rustling and he dropped into the water, his eyes barely able to see over the waterline. He continued to try to rub his arms, locating the noise and the source of it moments later as Dimitri walked on the riverbank. 

Felix held his breath, studying Dimitri. He could make out the faintest tracks of tears on his cheeks, cracking through the blood and dirt. Even after leaving a path of carnage through that rebellion, he was still posturing as a human. 

He watched Dimitri frantically splash water on his face, the grime dripping down his neck. Dimitri did not look up and Felix made no attempt to draw attention to himself. Dimitri was nothing but a wild animal that learned how to walk as a human long enough for people to believe it was true. 

Eventually, Dimitri noticed Felix's pile of clothes by the riverbank. He sprang up and ran so fast, Felix wasn’t even sure if ever he ever saw him in the water. 

*

Felix’s father returned from a visit to the castle and before Felix could even greet him, he demanded that they speak. Felix gritted his teeth, but did not run off. He was getting good enough at letting his father’s words wash over him that he could take it.

“Here,” his father said, slipping his hand in his coat and pulling out a letter. “This is from His Highness.”

Felix plucked it from his father’s hands, twirling his wrist enough to confirm that it was Dimitri’s handwriting labeling the envelope. The two of them were forced to take penmanship classes like Ingrid when they were younger. They were notably different from Sylvain’s classes, as they spent an inordinate amount of time writing greetings to potential suitors. Felix always worried there was something about the lessons that rubbed off on him in a way that revealed too much.

“Why is he writing me letters? I have no interest in speaking to him,” Felix replied.

His father brought his hand to his temple and sighed. “Felix…” he started. He took a deep breath and said, “He has gone through unfathomable tragedy. It is our duty to be there for him… he is your prince and your friend.”

“He’s not my friend,” Felix snapped. He wanted to add that he also had his own tragedies, but his father should know this.

“You don’t mean that…” his father started.

“I do,” Felix replied. “I think it’s ridiculous that you expect me to show an ounce of kindness toward someone wholly undeserving of it.”

He wanted to say that his father was wasting his time placating a monster. Even then, he knew he wasn’t going to listen. His father fell under Dimitri’s spell of a tragic backstory and watery blue eyes.

His father nodded his head and said, “Very well. I hope that you can find it in yourself to work past this.” He placed his hand on Felix’s shoulder briefly before he walked away, saying, “I am retiring to my room. Traveling has exhausted me.”

Felix watched him walk away, finally looking down at the envelope in his hands. He turned it around. There was a wax seal with the Crest of Blaiddyd stamped into it and he wasted no time in cracking it. He pulled the letter out, unfolding it. He got as far as the opening of _ My Dearest Felix _ before he shoved it back in the envelope. 

*

The first day at the Officer’s Academy was a blur for Felix. Much of the day was devoted to reunions and meeting new people, introducing himself, people recognizing his family name, and him trying to find ways out of the conversation as quickly as he could.

Dimitri insisted that the Blue Lions all have dinner together. He claimed it was for camaraderie. Felix obliged, if only because the last thing he wanted to do was have to participate in small talk with strangers. Once he sat down with everyone, he realized that the conversation was just as stilted around them. Ingrid sat toward the edge, leaving Sylvain and Felix sitting at a distance that they couldn’t hear much conversation. Annette and Mercedes spoke quickly it seemed like they were intentionally trying to keep people out of whatever they were babbling about. Ashe jumped in when he could, but it was obvious that he was overwhelmed. Dimitri occasionally asked questions to the group, but mostly focused his attention on Dedue. They spoke quietly among each other, Dimitri smiling in a way that he only seemed to do when Dedue was around.

As the meal concluded, Dimitri nearly had to race to pick up dishes, boxing Dedue out of taking of the task.

He turned toward Felix and asked, “Could you please assist me?”

Felix obliged, though he was not in the mood to have whatever conversation Dimitri was planning on springing on him.

They carefully piled everyone plates in their arms and made their way toward the bin for dirty dishes. Dimitri turned toward Felix and whispered, “Have you spoken with Claude yet?”

“Why would I?” Felix asked.

“Did you not know?” Dimitri said, “He’s like us.”

It took Felix a moment to understand what Dimitri was saying. Neither of them particularly had a word for what they were. Felix wasn’t one for books, so he wasn’t exactly going to go to the library and research about it.

“So?”

Dimitri’s expression faltered. “I just thought it might be nice to speak with him. We could share our experiences with someone outside of us. It could be good for us, Felix.”

Felix snorted. “I have no interest in revealing myself to anyone here. Especially someone as crafty as von Riegan.”

Dimitri stared at him for a long moment. He pressed his lips together before he said, “Well, I’m going to reach out to him. Let me know if you change your mind.”

He clattered the plates loudly onto the pile in front of them and stormed off. Felix sighed and continued putting the dirty dishes away.

*

Dimitri was in a mood. He seemed to do everything in a huff, punctuating each action with a sigh. It became particularly obvious when he stomped around the dormitory floor, walking back and forth to refill his water basin. Felix watched from his bed, the door open just enough to look into the hallway.

It wasn’t as though Felix didn’t know why. Security at the monastery was up this month and they began being more strict about who traveled up to the noble’s dormitory floors. Any commoners, even those with a role like Dedue, were not allowed to be on the floor. Dimitri cited that it was discriminatory and had been insufferable ever since.

Dimitri stopped short in front of Felix’s doorway, his posture straight and his eyes burning through the bangs in his face. He took a deep breath before he walked toward Felix’s room, knocking on the doorframe.

Felix tilted his head. “May I help you, boar?”

Dimitri winced. It was rare to see him actually rattled by the nickname. “Could I stay in here with you for a little while?” he asked, “I understand it’s quite the request, it’s just that your door was open, and…” 

They stared at each other for a long moment. Felix hated seeing how pathetic he looked. He had an irritating pout, but he couldn’t even tell if it was an intentional gesture.

“Fine,” Felix grumbled, “I’m not going to be particularly entertaining.”

In truth, he was reading a book about knights that he heard Ashe talking about. He felt ridiculous falling for such trash, but Ashe claimed this protagonist was different. More like him. He shifted toward one end of the bed, curling himself up around his book. Dimitri closed the door, shuffling toward the edge of the bed.

“I can just sit over there,” he said, gesturing toward the desk.

Felix rolled his eyes, still focused on the book in front of him. “I don’t care,” he snapped. He ignored how his stomach flipped when Dimitri sat on the bed. 

“Can I remove my binding?” Dimitri asked.

“Once again, I don’t care,” Felix replied. He had already removed his for the night, choosing to wear a loose top to bed. 

“Thank you,” Dimitri said. He pulled his tunic off, undoing the hooks on his side. Felix glanced up and saw the pink scars across his back, quickly looking away. He ignored how he could feel his lips curl into a grimace. Everybody had scars at the academy at this point. They weren’t anything special. But in Felix’s case, they were a reminder of what he lost four years ago.

Dimitri slipped his tunic back on and laid on the edge of the bed, facing Felix. Felix turned the page and glanced up at him.

“I told you, I’m not leading the conversation.”

Dimitri nodded, laying his head on the pillow. Sometimes, Felix wondered what Dedue and Dimitri were up to all night. He used to assume Dimitri just liked someone saying yes to him all the time, but the more that he heard their murmuring in the room next to him, the less he believed that theory. 

“Actually,” Felix said, partially closing his book, “I do have one question. What do you and Dedue even talk about when he’s in your room?”

The faintest shade of pink started to appear on Dimitri’s cheeks. “Oh, it depends on the day,” he replied, “I usually just ask him to tell me all about what he was up to that day. It’s soothing.”

Felix snorted. “So he tells you about the cats he rescued out of trees and flowers that bloomed.”

“Sometimes, yes.” There was something wistful about Dimitri’s gaze. 

Felix put his book down between them. A part of him wanted to just ask if Dimitri was in love with him. It would be the perfect way to truly make Felix irate about the whole relationship dynamic. Only Dimitri would wish for a life so cliched.

“That sounds incredibly boring,” Felix noted instead.

“Not to me,” Dimitri said. He smiled, burrowing his face into the pillow. 

“His loyalty is not love, you stupid boar,” Felix snapped. He picked up his book again, turning back to the page he was on.

“I know,” Dimitri replied, his voice so thick the words could barely be heard.

  


*

Felix spotted Claude and Dimitri drinking tea and the image was so preposterous he had to stop walking. They appeared to be deep in conversation, Claude twirling his hand in the air as Dimitri nodded and took another sip of tea. 

Felix studied them for a long moment, his eyes widening when he realized that Claude made no effort to bind his chest. The darts on his uniform seemed to only accentuate parts of his body Felix would be mortified to expose. 

There was a part of him that considered joining them. He could sit there, tepidly drinking a cup of tea as he tried to figure out how Claude could be so shameless.

Eventually, Claude turned toward his general direction. He said something to Dimitri before he waved at Felix. 

Felix felt his body want to walk over. Instead, he gave them a terse wave and walked off, grateful that they didn’t push him further. 

*

Sylvain kissed Felix goodnight one night. It didn’t make much sense to Felix. It was true, the space between them was getting smaller with each passing month, but he didn’t realize that Sylvain saw him that way. He wasn’t even sure he saw Sylvain that way, either. But Sylvain leaned in, kissed the corner of his mouth, and chirped, “Goodnight!” before quickly disappearing into his room.

Felix stood just outside his own room, his fingers pressed against his lips. He wasn’t sure why he accepted the gesture. Under most circumstances, he would have shoved Sylvain aside or yelled at him. The temptation didn’t come and all he could do was feel buzzing on his lips. Once he was alone, he heard low murmuring coming from Dimitri’s room. He couldn’t make out the words, but he still found himself trying to listen in. Dedue’s deeper, even tone was being picked apart by the waves of Dimitri’s. The door swung open, Dedue marching out the room. Dimitri followed him, stopping one step out of the room, his arm outstretched. Dedue barely grazed Felix as he walked past him, his eyes burning in a way Felix never saw before. Dimitri’s arm dropped, a look of devastation on his face.

Felix watched Dedue leave the floor before he said, “You should keep your private matters private, boar.”

Dimitri’s eyes focused on the other end of the hallway, his lips twitching around half formed words. Felix brought his hand away from his lip, sighing loudly.

“_ What _?”

Dimitri snapped his head toward him, his eyes never quite focusing on Felix’s. 

Felix thought about the last time he ended up being near Dimitri when he was in a state like this. He sighed and said, “Get out of your uniform and come inside. _ Do not _ tell me anything about what just happened.”

Dimitri ducked back into his room and Felix continued getting ready for bed. Dimitri appeared several minutes later and they took their positions on the bed similar to the last time Dimitri stopped by. Felix didn’t have a book to hide behind this time around, choosing to lay on his back and look up at the ceiling. 

They were quiet, the only sound being the occasional rustling of the people surrounding them. Dimitri sniffed and Felix was worried that he was crying. He didn’t want to deal with a wet spot on his pillow. He turned to see what Dimitri was doing, gasping when he felt Dimitri’s hand against his hair. He made small circles against his scalp and Felix leaned into the touch, enjoying the waves of calm that seemed to pass through him. Dimitri eventually stopped, picking up his hand to brush his knuckles along his cheek. Felix watched Dimitri, wondering what his next move would be. Dimitri’s eyes were focused on each place he touched, tracking his own motions curiously. Felix placed his hands on Dimitri’s sides experimentally, unsure if he wanted to throw him off or hold him in place. He took a quiet breath, thankful that Dimitri’s room was a buffer from Sylvain.

Dimitri moved his hand to the base of Felix’s neck, tilting his head up. He parted his lips and Felix leaned in toward him. Someone’s laughter in another room floated toward them and Dimitri’s eyes went wide. He pulled his hand away from Felix’s bringing it toward his chest. He hastily got up, slurring, “I’m sorry goodnight,” before he rushed out of the room.

*

Dimitri was unraveling. It was like Remire happened and the last threads keeping him in reality were cut. While Felix gladly compared him to a beast before, there was something pathetic about watching him degrade so badly that everyone else could see. His eyes barely focused when he looked at people and the volume of his voice went in and out when he tried to have conversations. Even Dedue seemed overwhelmed, the two of them walking alone as if they were missing their shadows around the monastery. Felix attempted to beg Byleth to do something about it, but they stared and rushed past with little acknowledgement.

The only relief Felix found in this moment was that Dimitri had no interest in seeking support from anyone, especially him. Unfortunately, that meant that nearly everybody had something to say about Dimitri and if Felix could do something, _ anything _ to help. So he focused on what he was good at. He went to the training grounds and practiced until his binding was soaked with sweat. Today he could feel tightness in his shoulders and his breath wasn’t quite catching, but he didn’t care to stop, even though he was in a constant loop of sparring, drinking water, and sparring again. 

Unfortunately, Dimitri’s primal brain had similar needs to his own. Eventually, he appeared on the training grounds, dark bags pressed under his eyes. He faced Felix’s general direction and mumbled, “Let’s go.”

Felix studied his gait as he walked toward him. He moved like he was wounded, but with no tears in his uniform, he couldn’t tell if that was actually the case. There was a part of him that wanted to turn him away, until he realized that if he went hard enough, Dimitri would probably be too exhausted to say anything to him. 

“Fine,” Felix said. “Swords only.” 

Dimitri grunted, still having enough clarity to grab a training sword. Felix was barely in a starting stance when Dimitri lunged at him. Felix gritted his teeth and blocked, grateful that as much force Dimitri was putting into his moves, he was just not as fast as Felix. They had several evenly matched exchanges, the only thing keeping Felix from doing more being the burning in his chest.

Dimitri lunged another time and Felix blocked it, bracing himself for Dimitri’s counter. Instead, Dimitri toppled over as soon as Felix readjusted himself, tumbled across the floor. Felix felt his stomach drop as he kneeled down, flipping Dimitri on his back to make sure he was breathing. He leaned in, hearing his wheezy breath. He had seen Dimitri at this point before. It was either exhaustion, he had worn his binding too long, or a combination of the two. Thankfully, Dimitri came to quickly, throwing himself to his side and emitting a strange keening noise. 

“How long have you been wearing your binding?” Felix asked.

Dimitri continued to wail.

“Well?” Felix asked.

“I don’t... remember,” Dimitri admitted.

“You’re an idiot. Get up,” Felix ordered.

It took a few more difficult breaths, but he eventually sat up. He tried to undo parts of his uniform, his hands shaking too much to get a good grip on any of the straps and buttons. Felix hissed, reaching over and helping him, even undoing the hooks along the side of his binding. He tried his best to look away from Dimitri’s chest as it heaved, trying to take deep breaths. Felix checked the door, hoping that no one would walk in on them. He found himself wondering what Sylvain would think if he walked through the doors. He knew Sylvain would understand, which promptly made him question why he would even care if Sylvain would.

He pressed his hands against his own chest, considering undoing his own. Even so, he wasn’t in anything loose enough to feel confident walking around the monastery afterwards.

Dimitri finally covered himself enough that his chest wasn’t entirely exposed. He placed his hand against his side and winced.

“You probably bruised a rib,” Felix said, “You should go to Professor Manuela.”

“I’ll be fine,” Dimitri said. His voice sounded like it was ground up and falling out of his mouth.

“All right. Suffer then,” Felix said. They both sat in silence for a long moment, Felix realizing that if he left Dimitri alone, he definitely would. “Get your clothes on. I’m taking you.”

He probably should have known that Dimitri was in a darker place than usual, because he stopped talking and let himself be pushed toward the infirmary with little protest.

*

It was a rare night that Felix was traveling and had a bed and he couldn’t sleep. He told himself it was because Sylvain was taking up too much of it, but judging by the way his chest fluttered and his skin felt like it was too tight, he knew that it wasn’t the case. 

He was reminded of the times he heard Dimitri wandering around late at night. He usually wandered around the monastery, but there were some cold nights that he opted to pace the long hallway, murmuring softly to himself. 

For someone who prided himself on letting go of the dead, he couldn’t deny that Dimitri’s probable death rattled him. He would never admit it, but he assumed the stupid boar would outlive everyone, if only because he baited death too often. 

“You still up?” Sylvain asked. He rolled toward Felix and made eye contact, even though his face was clouded by sleep.

Felix looked away, staring at the dark wall across from the bed. 

“It’s probably a longshot, but we can see if the owner has any chamomile tea on hand. That could help.”

Felix continued to stare at the wall. Dimitri’s favorite tea. He wondered if Sylvain even remembered. If Dimitri said he liked it, because he hoped maybe, just maybe it would give his troubled mind relief.

“No thank you,” Felix replied. He didn’t realize he began holding his breath until Sylvain returned to his sleeping position and Felix exhaled. 

*

It was Felix’s turn to check in on Dimitri and he dreaded it. He could take Dimitri on if he turned violent, but even then, he had gotten so much bigger and stronger within the past few years, it wouldn’t be as easy as it used to.

He brought a bowl of whatever the dining hall was preparing and kept his sword at his side as he approached the cathedral. Dimitri was in his usual spot, staring at the rubble.

There was a part of Felix that wanted to believe this wasn’t an inevitable situation. Even if he believed, even told Dimitri himself that he was a beast, this was one of the few things in his life he desperately wanted to be wrong about. 

At least Felix knew how to go through the motions well enough. He placed the bowl just outside of the periphery of Dimitri’s good eye, taking a seat several pews back. He took out a jar of polish and a rag from his pocket, preparing to polish his sword. He heard Dimitri rustle. When Felix looked up, he was staring at the bowl, his head slightly tilted. He faced Felix and stared with one unfocused eye.

“Glenn, how are you back there?” he asked.

Felix sighed. Another reason why he couldn’t stand visiting him in this state. “I’m not Gl…” he started. He shrugged, realizing that no matter how many times he tried to fight Dimitri, he couldn’t convince him that whatever he saw wasn’t real. “I just am,” he finally said.

Dimitri nearly bounded over to him. He grabbed at the pew in front of Felix, reaching over and staring down at him. His cape slid forward, the fabric trailing across Felix.

He leaned in closer and said, “You speak differently.”

“Change of pace, I guess,” he punctuated his response with a shrug.

Dimitri turned back toward the rubble for a long moment. He faced Felix again and said, “So you have seen your brother around the monastery.”

Felix looked down at the sword and tried to adjust his grip subtly enough so Dimitri wouldn’t notice. “I have,” he confirmed. 

Dimitri stared at the floor. “I failed him, Glenn.”

Felix took a shuddering breath.

“Is that so?”

“I did,” Dimitri said, nodding as if he had any remorse, “There was a crack that opened between us and I let myself fall into it. I’m so sorry.”

Felix wanted to write this off as the ravings of a mentally unwell person. But if there was one thing he was learning while seeing Dimitri like this was that while the ghosts weren’t real, his emotions were painfully so.

“He let himself fall in, too,” he replied.

“Maybe so,” Dimitri replied, “But I could have done more, Glenn. I could have fought for him.”

“Sure, you could have. But you didn’t. You need to learn how to let go. It’s always been your biggest weakness.” 

Dimitri’s lip quivered, his eye turning glassy almost instantly. Tears rolled down his cheek and he let out a wail that was so unhinged it sounded more like a infant than a grown man. 

Felix slid further away, trying to think what his brother would have done. He quickly realized that if his brother was alive, they probably wouldn’t be in this situation. He reached over, offering his hand like he was one of the cats that lived in the monastery. Dimitri leaned into it and Felix tentatively opened his hand, placing his palm along the side of his face. He took his thumb and gingerly wiped the closest tear track away. Dimitri’s wailing stopped, his body shaking with every deep sob that was pulled out of him in its wake. 

Felix looked into his eye, trying to find the slightest trace of his best friend. He wondered if Dimitri even remembered when they were young, their eyes bright and their hands constantly reaching out toward each other. 

He felt his own eyes burn as he realized that it didn’t matter how much he tried to find him, that Dimitri died many tragedies ago.

*

Felix’s father was dead and all he wanted to do was be left alone. Thankfully, everyone was so exhausted upon returning to the monastery that he could wander the campus in relative silence. He stopped occasionally, studying the cats and reaching out to pet them if they appeared interested. He passed by the greenhouse, hoping he could scope out a few of them sitting in the ragged flowers as he saw Dedue standing there.

As much as Felix wanted to undersell how affected he was by his father’s death, he didn’t fully realize how much it did until he remembered that after all these years, Dedue seemingly appeared out of thin air the battle before. 

Right now, Dedue was breathing softly. He bent over in his full armor to begin yanking some of the smaller weeds out from the flowerbeds. He placed them in a neat pile at his feet, only stopping to adjust the scarf that occasionally slipped off his shoulder.

Felix crossed his arms, watching him go through the motion several times before he said, “Why did you come back?”

Dedue huffed, but did not stop weeding. 

“Good evening to you, too, Felix.”

There was a curtness to his words now that wasn’t fully formed when they were younger. Admittedly, Felix kind of liked it.

“Why?” Felix asked again, “You said you were with your people. You could have just stayed with them. Stayed with people who…”

Dedue sat up, tilting his head toward Felix. “Who don’t hate me? I’m well aware,” Dedue replied. He shifted forward again, shuffling over toward another patch before he continued to weed. “You’re correct. I could have never come back.” 

He kneeled down near him, finding himself caught up in the repetitive motion of Dedue’s hands. He watched his fingers pinch the base of the plant, yanking it out with ease.

“And?” Felix asked.

“Faerghus and this culture you all hold dear is a toxin. I’ve carried it in me for years, to a point that I spent five years out of step with those Duscur refugees.” He glanced over at Felix for a brief moment before he added, “I had to reflect on what I wanted. How I felt. And I realized that as much as I did not want it to be so, my heart was here.”

Felix felt his stomach flip and asked, “This is not the life you want, is it?”

“It’s not,” Dedue confessed, “But if I stayed, I’m not sure it would be the one I wanted, either.” He stopped weeding for a moment, turning toward Felix. “May I ask you a question?”

He nodded. 

“Was there ever anything between you and His Highness? Is that why you treat him the way that you do?”

Felix felt his breathing hitch. Dedue’s face appeared unchanged as he waited for his response. “Why do you ask?”

“Because His Highness only ever told me that he wasn’t sure.”

Felix focused on his hands. He bent them and flicked his wrist to see how the shadows caught them. “I couldn’t tell you, either.”

Dedue nodded. He returned to weeding, yanking several plants out before he said, “Thank you for your honesty.” Felix shrugged, even though he knew that Dedue couldn’t see him.

  


*

“Holy shit, is that Dimitri in the dining hall?” Sylvain asked as he entered with Felix and Ingrid. 

It took a moment, but Felix spotted Dimitri sitting toward the back of the room, his back against the wall. He was flanked by Ashe, Mercedes, Annette, Dedue, and Byleth. It looked like Annette was the one dominating the conversation, but no one seemed bothered by it.

“Let’s join them!” Ingrid suggested.

Sylvain nodded and wrapped his hand around Felix’s wrist, nearly dragging him toward the table. He tried to protest, but by the time he could say anything, they were already in front of the group. The table looked crowded, but Dedue and Mercedes quickly grabbed chairs. Annette told them to go grab their food. Felix inevitably made eye contact with Dimitri, who watched cautiously, but didn’t say anything.

They waited on line, awaiting their meals.

“He looks a lot better,” Ingrid noted.

“He’s got a long way to go, though,” Sylvain said.

“Of course. But this is a big deal,” Ingrid insisted. She turned toward Felix and added, “Say whatever you want to say now so you don’t snap at him.”

Felix shrugged. “I don’t have much to say.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Ingrid replied. 

Sylvain shifted from side to side. “Hey, if Dimitri can change, so can Felix,” he said, quickly sliding forward to get his meal.

Ingrid faced Felix and raised her eyebrows. Felix pressed his lips together, trying to not break eye contact. He felt like he was exposed, though he wasn’t entirely sure how. Sylvain and he were sharing a bed nearly nightly and having conversations with a level of depth he assumed lovers had, but they were not using any labels. He knew it was because he would always stop Sylvain before he asked. 

“I’m going to get to the bottom of this,” Ingrid noted before she faced forward and got her own meal. Felix sighed, because he knew she would.

They got their food and brought it to the table, everyone shuffling around just enough for their plates to fit. 

“Great!” Annette exclaimed, “I can ask you guys the same question I asked everybody else! What kind of cake would you be?”

Felix stared at her for a long moment. It sounded like some of the inane thoughts she had back when they were at the academy all those years ago.

“Well, I hate sweets, so I’ll pass,” Felix said.

“Fine, you’re a vegetable cake,” Annette snapped.

“Do those even exist?” Felix asked.

“Yes, my sister and I tried to make it a few times,” Dedue replied.

Everyone turned toward him, including Dimitri. Dimitri’s hand slipped under the table and Dedue’s joined his soon after. 

“How was it?” Ashe asked.

Dedue’s lips quirked together for a brief moment. “Not great. We sometimes had more vegetables than we knew what to with, so we experimented.”

“Oh, good. A mediocre cake. Perfect for Felix,” Annette said, grinning wickedly.

Everyone laughed, Dimitri included. He leaned in toward Dedue, covering his mouth. Felix sighed, crossing his arms and leaning back as Sylvain tossed his arm across Felix’s shoulders. Felix resisted pushing him away, enjoying the weight holding him in place in this moment.

  


*

Felix found himself wanting to go to the library. It felt ridiculous. He knew he should have stayed in Sylvain’s arms, embracing him for what could be their final evening alone. But all he could think about were the stories of knights that Ashe compared him to long ago. He wondered if they resonated with this version of himself.

When he entered, he saw a candle lit at one of the tables, Dimitri’s outline hunched near it. He looked up, the glow of the candle casting strange shadows on his face. “You’re still awake,” Dimitri noted.

Felix nodded, taking his own candle and bringing it toward the book spines. He found the book and quickly grabbed it, keeping it just out of Dimitri’s sight.

“Just looking for something to help me fall asleep.” He gestured at the pair of chairs that appeared to be very close to Dimitri’s. “Have the professor and Dedue left you?”

“I asked them to,” Dimitri said, “They were both falling asleep on me.” He had a quill and paper spread out in front of him. “I’m preparing letters should I fall in battle.”

Felix nodded. The convenience of his father dying meant that he didn’t have much he had to say to anyone. He could affirm his love to Sylvain and give vaguely similar sentiments to Ingrid. Outside of some paltry _ don’t fuck up _ or _ see you on the other side _, he didn’t see the purpose in saying much else. But Dimitri had an entire kingdom on the line, so he supposed that he had more he had to address.

“I guess your sentimentality is coming back, isn’t it, Dimitri?”

Dimitri smirked, but seemed relatively unbothered. “It might be.”

He began writing another sentence or two before he put his quill down, twisting his wrist. 

Felix realized that this might be his last conversation with Dimitri alone. In truth, any of their conversations leading up to this moment could have been. But there was something about the odds being stacked just so that made Felix truly feel it in this moment. 

“Sylvain and I are together,” Felix said. He felt his cheeks burn up instantly, but he hoped that Dimitri would understand the significance.

Dimitri put his quill down, his eye wide. “_ Oh _ !” He leaned in toward him and asked, “Like… in _ every _sense? How did that go?”

Felix covered his face, his cheeks growing hotter. He couldn’t believe that after five years of bloodlust, the man could still sound so earnest. He eventually placed his hand on the back of one of the chair across from Dimitri. He pulled it out and took a seat.

Felix faced Dimitri again and saw that he was still waiting patiently. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” Dimitri nodded. “I think I will always have… issues… relating to that, but I still enjoyed myself.”

Dimitri smiled and it actually looked authentic. It wasn’t like the forced ones he gave back when they were teenagers and it certainly didn’t look like the grimaces he had been giving throughout the monastery in recent memory.

“I’m so happy to hear that,” he said, “I haven’t been able to have such an experience, but I hope that it can happen for me, as well.” He wrote a few more words before he glanced up at Felix again. 

“Why didn’t you?” Felix asked, “Was it fear, or…”

“I was waiting on someone. As foolish as you probably think it is,” Dimitri replied.

He looked down at the papers between them and sighed, stacking them and restacking them. 

Felix shrugged. He had his own opinions about the nine year pining that was Dimitri and Dedue’s relationship, but it wasn’t his business. Not on a night like this.

“I’m happy to hear about you, though,” Dimitri said, “Claude told me something once when we were in the academy about people with our… affliction. I’m not sure if you care to know what he said.”

“Why not?” Felix said.

Dimitri finally stopped stacking the papers. “It was something to the effect that people like us have to make our own happiness. Because the world won’t necessarily give it to us. I lost my way with that, but I’m glad to hear that you didn’t.”

Felix felt his eyes begin to sting and he quickly grabbed at the bridge of his nose. Thankfully, Dimitri didn’t pry. He thought about what Dimitri said in the throes of madness. That he let the crack get so big that they both fell in.

“You better not die, Dimitri,” Felix snapped. He felt his voice warble on his name and he tried to cover it up by clearing his throat.

Dimitri laughed, closing his eye. “And you better not, either, Felix,” he replied.

*

The coronation festivities were finally dying down and Felix was able to slip out to a quieter part of the castle. He found a windowsill and sat on it, propping his foot up. He remembered being small enough that he, Sylvain, Ingrid, and Dimitri could all fit on it, squirming and laughing as they shoved each other. He looked out the window, noting that the moon was bright enough that it bathed the royal gardens in a glowing light. It was soothing enough that it took until he saw a reflection walk by. He turned around to see Dimitri standing in front of him.

Dimitri yawned, quickly covering his mouth. His hair was still pulled back from the coronation ceremony, a silver clip with blue jewels setting the style into place. He had switched into more comfortable clothing and from what Felix could see, he was no longer wearing binding underneath. To obscure his chest, he wore a shawl, the blues and interlocking patterns reminding Felix of the scarf that Dedue wore throughout the war.

“I was looking for you,” Dimitri said. His eye looked tired, but his smile was warm. “May I join you?” 

Felix dropped his foot, shrugging his shoulders. Dimitri sat down, adjusting the shawl to fit better across his shoulders. He turned to the window for a long moment before he faced Felix again.

“Did you have fun at the feast?” he asked.

“As much as I could,” Felix replied. He found that Sylvain got too drunk, too fast for him to be a great date to it, but he could look past that transgression. They were all trying to make sense of who they were now that the fog of war was dissipating. He wanted to try to not hold every infraction against people in this new world. “How about you?”

Dimitri turned back to the window, smirking. “I had a good time. I had some conversations I should have had years ago. You are the last one I still need to speak to.”

When Felix thought about it, whenever he spotted Dimitri at the feast, he was in deep conversation. He had leaned in close, saying things in people’s ears and making very careful eye contact. The conversations seemed to be reserved for everyone on their team, even those who were recruited on Byleth’s part back in their academy days. He thought he caught Dimitri and Dedue holding hands during theirs, but he didn’t make any effort to draw attention to it. 

“Is that why you’re wearing that ridiculous scarf right now?” Felix asked.

It was too dark to confirm, but the way Dimitri lowered his face, Felix had a feeling he was blushing. “Perhaps,” he admitted. 

“Some of our allies would have something to say about that,” Felix teased. He hoped it came out as sarcastic as he intended.

Dimitri laughed. “I don’t care. People can think what they want. I plan on providing Duscur reparations as one of my first post-war efforts.” He finally looked at Felix again and added, “But that’s not what I intended to speak to you about.”

“Then out with it,” Felix said.

Dimitri lifted his chin the slightest bit. It was enough for Felix to remember that in spite of everything, this was the path that Dimitri was put on this path before he was born. “I wish to invite you to be one of my advisors,” he said, “You would be sharing the highest honors with Dedue. It would require the three of us to collaborate extensively, but I feel that you would provide the honesty necessary for the Kingdom’s success.” 

Felix was quiet for a moment, trying to let the information wash over him. “After everything, is that really what you want?” he asked.

“It’s what the Kingdom needs,” Dimitri replied. He paused for a long moment before he added, “And I do believe that even with everything we’ve been through, that is what I want.”

Felix nodded. He briefly considered his other options. Even if he went home to be a lord, he couldn’t help but think about how boring it would be. He thought about being alone at his father’s home, no longer having family members breathe life into the estate. He could get Sylvain to visit, but he would always have to leave. Most of all, he realized that after this entire journey, he found himself unable to leave Dimitri’s side, even if it was against everything his past self stood for.

“I accept,” Felix said. 

Dimitri smiled. He placed his hand over Felix’s gripping it tightly. “Excellent,” he said, “I would like to have a lunch meeting tomorrow, as I’m sure we will all be too exhausted to meet in the morning.” He brought his hand away from Felix’s and he got up. “Sleep well, Felix. You’ve more than earned it.” 

Felix watched him walk away. He finally said, “You too,” wondering if Dimitri heard him. Thankfully, Dimitri turned back briefly, his eye lighting up before he faced forward again and kept walking. 


End file.
